Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
