so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
