I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
