You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
