There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
