hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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