Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
