You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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