thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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