Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Drunk is not a location!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
