Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
