shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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