I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
