Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
