good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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