Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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