i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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