If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
