I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
