I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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