I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
