dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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