So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
