Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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