So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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