literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
