We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
