TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
