It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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