Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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