If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
