Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
