The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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