plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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