Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
