i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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