saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
