He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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