He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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