so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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