Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
