I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
