i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
