Already got asked if we're dating
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
