I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
