Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
