Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
