Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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