im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
