i just sent this text using only my big toe
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
